I'm writing here because I feel like we don't write on here anymore. Because I need to vent. To share.

I'm in a blah mode lately. I'm not happy with anything. I'm not happy with life, friends, work, home, basically life.

I miss Vinny, but I don't. I know that I'm not meant to be with him. That he is not my soul mate or the man I am supposed to spend my life with, but I miss him. I miss being with someone. I miss someone holding me. I miss someone looking at me and thinking that I am perfect and the best person.

I don't really love my job. I thought I would love it, but it is hard. Much harder than I ever imagined. I am not thrilled, nor do I feel fulfilled with it. I need to go back to teaching. I hope that would help. I hope that would make me better. But would it? Would I just find another excuse to bitch? Probably. What a sad statement for my life.

I almost completed an entire eHarmony profile. Yep. That's what my life has come down to. Sad, sad story. I just can complete it. Besides the obvious reason (feeling like a complete tool because I can't even meet a real person without the assistance of a program to determine what makes us compatible), I couldn't answer the question: "what are you passionate about?" What a silly question to not be able to answer. But it is true. I don't know the answer. Not anymore at least. I've always adapted some part of me to make someone else happy--friends, boyfriends, family. Everyone. I don't even really know what I want anymore. Sure, I think I know, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I can't find happy. What would that mean? I think it would mean that I am fucked.

Life is shit. That is how I feel now.

Here's my ideal life situation: I write an amazing novel (I've already started it) and it is publishes and makes millions. I travel. I enjoy life. I write some more.

That would be amazing. :)

I'm choosing to end this blog of bitching on a happy note. Dreaming of a delightful future, that I hope I'll have, but I know I probably won't. Or maybe it will. Maybe I'll make it happen with the power of positive thinking. Yep, I'm hoping for that. :)

Bah! I don't know what to do!

So, here's the deal. I think I'm falling for Vinny. He is in love with me. We've had lots of conversations about this. It's official and he admitted it sober. I also admitted sober that I think I'm falling in love with him. Here's my dilemma: am I really falling in love with him? Or is it the possibility of love with someone who is crazy about me?

I still am not his girlfriend. Why? I've boiled it down to this: Sometimes he irritates the hell out of me by doing stupid things when drinking too much. I feel he drinks too much and still likes to party too much. I think he isn't mature enough. I fear he will have a mid-20's meltdown and leave me single again. I am afraid if I commit then I open myself up to the possibility of breaking up again and getting hurt. I fear I won't get hurt and we could get married. I think maybe I could be with someone better for me. He's too young, as we both graduated in 2006--me from college and him from high school. He dated a former student of mine. He was taught by some of my fellow teacher students. Beer pong is not fun for me every weekend--it seems to be for him. I don't want to be judged for whatever reason for dating him. I don't want to hurt him the way I've been hurt--however, I fear it's too late now. We'll both be hurt, whether I want to admit it or not.

So, yes, this is my dilemma...I don't know what to do. I won't commit to him. He's okay with it, but I don't know how much longer that will last. There really aren't any other men. Andy from work is still flirty, but nothing. Other guy asked me on a date but it hasn't happened yet. I just don't know....

Ummm...really two different guys...in 8 months...

Okay, I've been single for 8 months. In that time, TWO different men have confessed their love for me. Both of them got the same response from me!
One: Ryan. He's Brandon's brother. Yikes...talk about a BAD situation.
Two: Vinny. He confessed on Friday night and doesn't remember.

Here's the story:

Friday night: I go to Vinny's house late, at around 10ish. I was with my sister and her fiance. He is already drunk. I am not. I haven't had one drink all night and I'm exhausted. He convinces me to go to his room (not a hard sell, as I'm ready for that, too). Post coitus (I'm laughing for using that term): he gives me the oddest look.
I ask him, "What's that look about?"
"Nothing," he says.
"That's not nothing. Tell me. Seriously...you're being weird."
"I've learned the hard way over the past few weeks I should just keep my thoughts inside."
"Um...no...tell me now."
"I'm sorry in advance." Big dramatic shutting of the eyes. (I think holy shit, he's going to pass out.)
"Just tell me, it's okay."
"I love you, Jervaise."
Deep breath...shut my eyes...kiss his forehead. "No, you don't, Vinny. You don't really even know me. You love the thought of me."
Vinny passes out. I leave him snoring in his room.

I ask him on Saturday night:
"Do you remember what you said last night?"
"No. Shit. Did I say something stupid? What did I do?"
"Nothing. Don't worry about it."

So, yes, I'm avoiding the topic. I love taking the aversion and mature route.

I like him. He makes me smile. He's sweet and makes me feel good about myself. I like the sex. I am NOT ready for love, though. I am not sure when I will be. Fuck! Why can he love me? It's been three months! Crimney. Am I really that lovable? Jeesh...

Another note: I'm probably filing for bankruptcy. I'm trying to see a lawyer on Friday. I also might sue Brandon. Yep, this is my life at 26.

The funk of late...

Well, Brandon, if you have three boyfriends...I guess I'm not as overwhelmed as you, but this will be about three boys...ha!

Lately, I feel like I'm in a complete funk. I can't describe it. I can't make anyone understand. I feel utterly and completely unhappy most of the time. This cannot be a healthy feeling, but it is how I feel. I feel upset with me. Personally. Mentally. Physically. I'm not happy.

I suppose most of these feeling relate to the past week, or so. The first week after sex with the guy from work, all was normal. Nothing had changed. However, last week he got all weird. I can't handle weird. It makes me crazy. I do not understand when things get weird, when they shouldn't. Whatever. Then, this week, he's all normal. It's too odd...and frustrates me.

Then, last Thursday, I started thinking about Andy. Andy was the guy I dated with the daughter when Brandon and I broke up the first time in the spring of '08. My friends and I were talking about life and he came up. I guess he had it bad for me...and I genuinely really like him, but my stupid feeling for the asshole were too strong and I left him. I guess he was crazy about me. Now, I can't help but wonder if I made the wrong choice. I know all of life leads us on the path we are supposed to take. I'm a firm believer in that; however, I think I made the wrong choice with Andy. He's back with his ex now, or at least they had just broke up when we dated. Ugh. Why do I make the most ridiculous choices? Why do I always want what I can't have?

Lastly, Vinny confuses me. I like him. He's a good guy. He's the guy I should choose. So why can't I? I think there is something keeping me from picking him. I like him and want to be with him, but in the end, I struggle with him. Last weekend, I had heartburn when I was with him. It was intense. It's like my body is telling me something I can't deal with. But, I still like being with him and being his friend. Maybe because he's the only "steady" guy right now. I don't know. I do know I fear being unfair with him. I don't want to do that, but sometimes I wonder if I am or not.

Also, last weekend, I made a choice to do something I've always wanted to try, but never have. I fear writing on here about this until this is private. However, when that goes down...you're in for a treat. :)

Maybe my problem is I'm not happy with me. So, I look to others to make me happy. I know that others cannot make me happy; at least I know this on some fundamental level. Maybe I feel like the only way I have worth is if I am with someone. I don't know--have you noticed that phrase is my trend of this post? I'm truthfully seriously considering a therapist and getting on medicine for depression. I think it would help. The last time I took that stuff though, I was 18 and felt like a zombie. I don't want that again, but I think it's more formulated for adults. I hate the thought of depending on something like that for my happiness, but, lately, I wonder if that is the only way. Maybe I'm working too much. Maybe I need to exercise more and eat healthier. I don't know.

All I know for certain is ugh...bleh...life...

Well, I might as well post here. If anybody reads this, I wouldn't mind some feedback. I may just be a bit out of control right now. I think I have three boyfriends. I smoke now . . . like a chimney. I've lost forty pounds. I'm really happy, but all of these things seem to indicate that I shouldn't be . . . am I in a tailspin?

Of the thirty or so gay men I've had contact with in Korea, it might be revealing to take a look at the statistics.

Men I've actually met in person: 13
Men I've had some sort of sexual contact with: 7
Men I've had some sort of satisfying sexual contact with: 2
Men I've had sexual contact with more than once: 1
Totally into me, but not attractive for one reason or another: 2
I'm totally into them, but not attracted to me for one reason or another: 2
Mutually unattracted: 2
Language barrier makes it impossible to tell who is attracted to whom: 1
Men I've had to travel to another city to meet: 11
Number of other cities in Korea I've traveled to just to meet a man: 4
Men who have traveled to my city to meet me: 1
Some kind of spark, but not worth the travel: 3
"Oh, did I forget to mention that I have a boyfriend already?": 5
"Oh, I have a boyfriend, but let's fuck anyway": 3
Super sweet, and kind of attractive, so still a contender: 1
Dates set up for this week: 2 (not counting today's--see "boyfriend", above)

Not terrible odds, I guess. Still, a pretty inefficient market. Currently a bit discouraged. If these guys later this week don't pan out, I'll lay off for a while--but I always say that . . .

Fuck, I'm ridiculous....

Sometimes, I wonder if I've lost my moral compass. Lately, I find myself doing things I never thought I'd do...but here I am...doing them and not giving a damn. I wonder what that means? Have I lost my moral compass after all? I hope not.

Eight months ago, life was so black and white for me. Right and wrong. I did what was "right" all the time, and look where that got me? A whole lotta nowhere. Now, I'm tired of that bullshit. I live in a world of grey now. I love it here. However, I do sometimes wonder if the choices I am making are bad...and if they have been since I moved home.

Vinny is still crazy about me. I'm still the bitch that won't be his girlfriend. Hey, I gave him fair warning. I only hope he doesn't fall in love with me. I can't handle that shit right now. I keep telling him that I just don't want a boyfriend right now, which is completely true. I'm not in a place where I can be in a relationship. I just don't want it. I don't just want sex either, but I want something in between, but I can't figure out for the life of me what that is. I feel bad for the kid, and kid he is, at 22. I feel like in the long run, do I really want someone that much younger than me? I don't know. It's a dilemma I frequently face.

Now, there's a new boy in the mix. Or rather, he's been in the mix for some time. I suppose I've always harbored a crush on him, but we work together, and he made his thoughts about a workplace romance clear: it never goes well. I agree with this sentiment, although, I've never actually dated a colleague before. Fast-forward three months. We hang out frequently; everyone at work thinks we are dating, to which I am constantly stating we are not. Sure, he sends me the mixed messages, but all of those were made astonishingly clear on Friday night. Clearly, he likes me...or he just wanted sex. I'm going with likes me, because it makes me feel less slutty, which is important right now to me. I fear what seeing him at work now will be like. Will it be awkward? I hope not. I assume it will be much of the same for us, or I hope so. We've both talked at length about what we want from a "relationship" and that is really not a relationship. We both just want someone to have sex with, someone to cuddle with occasionally, but not have to answer to. Before it went down, I did ask him to think about if that was what he wanted, referring to his statement on workplace romance. His response, "well, we really don't work together anymore, and everyone already thinks we're fucking." Both of these are true and logical, so I went ahead with it. Oddly enough, I don't feel guilty. I should feel supremely slutty, but I don't. It's weird. As I left the next morning, he kissed me, on the cheek, and probably would've on the lips, but I hugged him instead. I don't know how not to be awkward afterwards; I'm ridiculous like that. He's texted me a few times this weekend, which is more than normal, so I guess that bodes well. We shall see....I hope not to lose him though, as I think he's closer to someone I'd want to be with than anyone has in a long time.

Meanwhile, I work all the time. Tomorrow, in fact, which bums me out. I'm needing to start working out...I need to find that motivation. If I could wake up at 5:30 am three times a week and go for a run, I think I'd feel better about myself. If I'm going to start this tomorrow, I should head to bed.