He's just not that into you if...

Okay, I'm dieing here. I miss him...it's killing me! Seriously. I hate to play the pathetic victim, but I am living in Obama-land where tree-hugging crazies worship organic anything while shoving safety pins through their clothing. I met a guy...found out he's 20...almost shit myself. I am making it a horrible habit to compare everyone...and I mean EVERYONE...to him, and it's not boding very well for me...no one will ever be him, and he'll never be what I need him to be (at least, that's what I think...but I'm horrible at reading things). Brandon, bless your heart, bought me "He's Just Not That Into You..." God-knows-how-long-ago. I think I'm able to make some additions (you tell me).

He's just not that into you if...

1. He only calls you every night for crazy, sexy, kinky phone talk. Seriously you guys, I could put a phone sex operator to shame (Is it okay to admit that? Maybe that's why I'm typing it...I feel more normal). This is some marketable hot shit...and every night...no joke (sometimes, if we're lucky, it's mid-day too). He turns me into the horniest person I know...and I obviously do the same to him. This is a guy who's never had sex (although we've come MIGHTY close), and he talks about how he can't wait to have sex with me in every room of OUR house! WTF?! He gets off by me telling him that no other guy can compare to him and I only want his dick FOREVER (sorry for the vulgarity). Seriously though...and you can't call yourself my boyfriend (at least as far as I know)?! What the hell do I do with that? And can you understand my confusion? We text all day long (generally), and we talk on the phone like twice a day. Once is normal (which could be that I'm a retard because I don't know how to work a voicemail or we could have a deep, meaningful conversation about anything and everything...side note: this is one of the things that I LOVE about him). The other though, always sex. I'm not complaining. It's hot. But what the fuck does it mean? And when he's home or in California for a soccer tournament, we have limited phone conversations (in which he'll come back to the privacy of his own room in Colorado and tell me about how much he missed talking to me...or he'll miss out on a trip to the beach to stay in his room by himself to call me). He gets annoyed when I tell him to move out here, but he finds me as an aggressive bitch a total turn on (where I rant and raid about how he's such a pussy for not getting his dumb ass out here and doing completely x-rated, dirty things to me)...he begs me to get pissed and tell him that there's no way in hell I can be his bitch when he won't get his punk ass out here. Does this even make sense? Can you even follow? I don't know if I can...it sounds so awkward written down.

2. It's always too late to answer a serious question. Because every time I bring up whether or not I'm wasting my time by continually devoting all my time to him, he tells me that it's too late to get into this deep conversation (but it's never too late to phone hump...but please keep in mind that I'm the one that gets called...when I called on my birthday, so-called man was already asleep...and let's note that the jealousy factor has been kicked up. During these phone tirades I must continually tell him that every dude that has asked for my number is a stupid idiot (in more or less words) and no one could compare to him...which they can't (or I just keep telling myself that), but he loves hearing it). We've had serious conversations, but they're more about him going back to Cincinnati and what life in general will bring. He's totally freaked out by past relationships. He told me that it was hard to handle me having been with other guys, and I was married, so I'd obviously had sex. I told him that I forgave myself, God forgave me, and if he ever wanted to be with me, he'd have to forgive me too. He said that he respected my decision to leave, but it was a difficult pill to swallow. I told him it was gross to think about any person with another, him included...and his excuse was that the few chicks he had been with (remember, no sex), were all "cool" (by whose standards, I'm not sure).

3. You buy him floor seats to a Nuggets game for his birthday, send him stuff you know he'll like, but you only get a phone call on your birthday. I'm not a big birthday person, and he's DEFINITELY not (a mixture of him being a guy and him being him)...but am I wrong to want just a little something? We talked about getting a plane ticket, which totally fell through (obviously)...and I know he just moved and doesn't have my address (although I did send him a hoodie I found at the Nike outlet)...but, a card...something. Maybe this is dumb...although I know that you will both argue it's not (dang excuses!).

4. He can't move to you, but revels in the idea of you moving to him. Enough said.

5. He can't invite you to his sister's wedding. You know that he talks about you to his family, but there's this totally scary thought of actually bringing you home that he just can't deal with.

Am I a complete moron?

I'm posting a classified, God help me. This is what it's going to say:

Calling all jocks...not I-was-good-in-high-school-once, not I-lift-weights-improperly-like-a-meathead, not I-watch-football-on-Sundays. I need a dude that can beat me at HORSE (and I'm good...damn good). I need a guy that can outdrink me at a baseball game while reciting statistics of players from both teams. You must be well-versed in Sportscenter lingo...if you don't know who Stewart Scott is, don't answer. You must have owned at least one pair of Jordan's in your life, and if you've never heard of Nike Dunks, exit now please. If you have season tickets to any sports team, brownie points for you. If you have a gym membership (and use it regularly), keep reading. I run (a lot), so you have to keep up...but please, I'd rather spend the weekend camping without hearing you complain that your biceps are getting smaller. I have two dogs...they sleep on the bed...if you don't like it, deal with it...if you can't deal with it, find a chick with a cat. If you can't love them, I'll never love you (and that would make dating pointless). Also, must be smart. As in, have a degree, a job, a potential job or at least know what the heck you should be looking for in the classified section. If you think teaching is an 8-3 job, go fuck yourself (seriously...not just for me, but for every teacher out there). Must sit on the couch with me when grading and rub my feet. Don't agree with everything I say...I'm not always right...but when I am, don't be an ass, tell me. Sarcasm required. Life's too short to take everything seriously. Laughing is my favorite pasttime. Looks aren't everything, but I want to want to do you (like AT LEAST twice a day)...if this isn't going to work out for you, get a dog.

Should I post it? Oh...just imagine the dousches I would find. I'm well on my way to a handful at this point.

PS...I found the mall today...amazing...