So this week I have done some of the hardest things of my life. Seriously. I'm moving...finally scattering to the third wind to which this blog refers. All I can think to myself is what in the hell am I doing?
Here's why:
I'm going for the experience, to be with the person I love, to teach in an amazing school, to feel like an adult, and for so many other reasons.
Here's why I'm freaking out:
I'm leaving my Mom, sister, and cousin behind--who are the most important people in my life. Who I've never been separated from for more than the month I was already gone this summer. I've packed my room. Said goodbye to my students, colleagues, friends, and family. Although it isn't forever, it sure feels like it. I feel so upset and overwhelmed. I can't stop crying (Brandon, I know you are cringing right now, and Steph, I know that you feel my pain.). Why is this so hard? Oh...wait! I know...it's life. For some reason I live in this crazy land that tells me that everything is a romantic tale, and when it isn't, I kind of freak out. And here I am...freaking out. Not because I am afraid of my choice. I feel like this is all part of God's plan for me...somehow. Today, I looked through all of my old things that students made for me and did. It was so hard to realize that I won't be teaching those kids this fall. I love them, which is something my Brandon can't understand. I don't think I've cried this much saying goodbye in my life. I hate that someone else will be in my room, teaching my kids, and possibly fucking up all of my hard work. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just being hard on whoever they get to replace me, which is a funny concept. I don't think Ellicott will realize how much I've actually DONE for them the past two years, and this year is going to be a wake up call to them. How tragic that today as I walked through those purple doors, I knew I'd never be Ms. Murr there again. I am forever just "Jervaise," or that "teacher who was here for a couple of years...but I can't remember her name." I know I've made an impact on the kids I've taught, but I've grown to love them. I'm sad to not teach them every day and see "Random Banana" on my whiteboard. (Long story short: some of my favorite new seniors as sophomores decorated my whiteboard in fruit whenever I left my room. On the last day of school my first year teaching, they covered my room in real and fake fruit and always just wrote the phrase on my board to annoy underclassmen who didn't know what it meant and to make me smile. This year, one of them told me, they were going to wear shirts that said that on the first day of school just to make me smile. Ugh...I miss them already.)
Now, I get to drive for 13 hours on a trek to the land of extreme heat, to teach at a school with 1800 students. How the hell do you go from 260 to 1800? Holy shit! I know I'll survive and it'll be good for me, but it is really scary. This is the first time that I've admitted that. I'm scared. I'm scared of everything that goes along with this move. I'm leaving my comfort zone behind...and opening myself up to the great big world. I'm excited for what this will hold...but a little weary. As for my friends. The people I've grown to love the past two years and feel blessed to know...we've been scattered to the three winds. We are all experiencing something new this year, and I feel that this blog will help us. I miss you already...and still, somehow, despite all of the moving and saying goodbye, think I'll see you on Saturday morning, where we'll be desperately unhappy in the presence of our dear friend Judi. Hee hee! :)
At any rate, it's getting late. I still have to pack what I'm bringing with me and get ready for bed. Here we go as we embark on this incredible journey called life.
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4 comments:
First off, it's okay to be afraid. It's okay to be scared and unsure and absolutely terrified. Why? Because it's not YOUR plan...it's GOD'S. You are going to do amazing things with Him and through Him. Right before I decided to move, the guest pastor at my church gave a sermon on obedience. He said that only when we do the things that we fear out of obedience will we ever really discover what we're capable of, what are gifts are according to God's greater plan. You are going to do amazing things. It's okay to believe in the romantic tale. Why shouldn't we? If it exists for even one person, then why shouldn't it exist for each all of us? If Brandon is who you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, God will affirm those emotions and those feelings...you just have to trust in it. The greatest part is that you you'll never know if you never go (what a great rhyme...ha). I just recently watched that movies, "Akeelah and the Bee," and the spelling teacher says, "Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate; our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." How true! We know what we are capable within our hearts, but we don't want to let ourselves down...that is what we fear. You know what you can do, and you will most definitely do it. Your Elicott kids may have a teacher that could never compare to you (which is highly likely), but they will NEVER forget you...and they will learn Jervaise...even if only one small thing, they will learn. You cannot hold yourself responsible for every kid at every school for the rest of their lives...all you can do is give them everything you have for that year and understand that they will remember you. Let's be honest, tell me one grade where you don't remember the name of the teacher. You can't...because you ALWAYS remember. My kindergarten teacher's name was Ms. Larimer. I mean, seriously...kindergarten?! They will remember you
PS - As much as I hate ice woman, I only wish that we were going to be showing up there on Saturdays. How ironic! At least you two have a license...grrr!
Ummm...I'm reading my post, and I made A LOT of errors. I've drank just a teensy bit of alcohol, so I absolutely mean EVERYTHING, but ignore the bad grammar (Brandon, I know you're shaking your finger at me right now. I'M SORRY!).
You two act like I have no heart! Did you miss the part where I wept uncontrollably in front of all my students when I had to tell them I wouldn't be back next year? I cry more than any other boy you know, I just tell the truth. If that makes me heartless you can both go teabag Judi. Pbbblt.
You have a heart BP...you just don't put up with crazy, girly, bull shit drama...which Jervaise and I seem to breed off of in order to live (not intentionally of course).
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