It's interesting to me that I've been living here for almost a month, yet I still don't feel at home; and it's not just because I don't have any of my furniture. What makes a person feel like they are at "home?" Is it security? Is it being happy? Is it just knowing that you have support and love surrounding you at all times? I'm not sure exactly what makes me feel like something is home, but I'm not feeling it here.
It's not that I'm unhappy, because I'm really not. Well, we did decide no one sees this right? I hope so...Brandon doesn't know the address. I love being with him, but sometimes I am just frustrated. As I walked from the main campus this afternoon in the 105 degree weather (which is considered "pretty cool") I kept thinking, Does Brandon really realize what I've given up to be here with him? I've given up a good job, where I'd be department head (most likely), although I would have had a shitty schedule. I'm super far from my family, which is very hard for me. Essentially, I'm alone and irritated with his brothers. I could normally get away and go to coffee with my cousin, or hang out with you two after class; but, here, no one is my friend. I'm lonely. I know I said that if I'm okay with living here I better be okay with what I'm putting myself through, but sometimes it is hard. I'm fucking irritated and tired of fucking cleaning. I feel like I'm the only person who cleans the kitchen, and Brandon tells me not to, but I have to because I can't cook in a dirty place. I hate sharing a bathroom with them. I hate when they do shit with my kitten, such as try to give him human food or brush him. That just fires me up. I hate that they eat all of the food we buy and they do give us a little money, but they still just eat a LOT...like more than you would think is humanly possible. I'm also irritated that they've invited themselves to come along on our trip home. I want them to help pay for gas, if that is the case. They should offer, but they won't. I just don't think it's fair, nor okay.
Anyway, I'm just feeling a little better. Brandon and I move out as early as next Wednesday, or on the first. It all depends on if I can move it to save a little more money. We'll see.
As I said earlier, I'm not really upset, but some days, it is just hard to be here. Always from everyone I love and from everything that is familiar. I know it's just for a little while, but it remains hard, nonetheless. I just need it to be easier. Maybe I'm just too tired to function today...who knows.
Here’s what I do know: I’m in love, which is always good. I’m loved by my family and friends. I’m missed by my students at Ellicott. Cohabitation with siblings should be outlawed, or I should be given a medal for not attacking two Fraser boys. I have no idea what to make for dinner. I have an awesome deal at Express, and although I still don’t know what my salary is when I get paid next Thursday, I’m going shopping tonight to get a good deal. I’m watching the Olympics and I’m continually amazed that these people are my age or younger. Seriously, when did I get to be the age of the people on tv in sitcoms or athletes? It’s weird. I am thankful for what I have. I need to always remember how blessed I am.
As for my dearest Brandon Payne, I checked out your very old blog, and I’m so impressed with you. Your car accident picture made me tear up. I’m so thankful that you survived, as you are a blessing to me. You are an amazing young man and teacher and I just know God has so much in store for your future. I remember my first encounter with you, but I know you won’t. I was a first-semester sophomore at UCCS and so stoked to be in English classes, that I took Shakespeare with Dr. Laroche too early. I remember you quoting the St. Crispin’s Day speech in class. You were a memorization master and I was always so impressed with you. I admired you from across the classroom with your literary knowledge. I knew one day you’d be an awesome teacher…and here you are. Congrats to you! I even remember you had a watch with a red face. (It’s amazing the things you remember, I remember all sorts of odd shit, but forget important stuff like what I paid to learn in college.)
As for my dearest Stephanie Kemp, God has thrown a lot at you lately. I don’t know how you are dealing with it. I’m falling apart and my shit isn’t even half of what you or Brandon has dealt with in your lives. It is just crazy. You are so amazing and are famous in your town. How cool is that? I am forever amazed with your strength through all of this adversity and your consistent faith. I remember meeting you the first day of TIRP and thinking how good you were with everything put together and I wasn’t prepared at all. You are an amazing teacher with fabulous ideas. I know you will succeed. I’m glad I got to become your friend.
As I walked out to my car today, I thought how cool it was that we've remained friends. I love the fact that we all still talk and share. If there was anything good about TIRP it was you two...seriously. My friendship with you two has taught me a lot. I’m thankful for it. You teach me lessons. Thank you. Now I'm thinking of deleting this blog, but I don't think that is what this is all about.
P.S. As I look at the length of this post, I know it is not of "mini" status, but I just can't bring myself to change it. :)
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3 comments:
Don't change a thing, Vaisey. Not about the post, not about yourself. I can relate to so much of what you said about other Brandon. Robert just doesn't seem to get it some days; I've given up everything, and he's given up nothing--which is an exaggeration, but I feel exaggerated today. On the plus side, he has reached the limit of his patience with the mess and gone on an organization binge. And there was much rejoicing. Huzzah!
I love that we can share. Thank you....for everything. Hopefully things will be better...we move to our own apartment on Wednesday. Horray!
I thank God for both of you. I don't know who I would vent to if it weren't for your ears...and apologies now for wearing them out. Jer, thank you...for saying thank you. Brandon, thank you...for telling me I'm a fucking idiot sometimes (and then telling me you love me). Seriously though, I'd be lost without you both. I am basking in my freedom for one more week, and then I will be entering hell (teaching 2 classes, going to online school full-time and getting ready to coach my first team). I'll freak out later...no worries.
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