Robert just left for Washington D.C.. He won't be back until Saturday at the earliest, and I feel cheated. We were supposed to hang out this morning and have a nice breakfast before he left, snuggle, etc.. Instead, he got called into work to repair some dum [sic] machine before he leaves, and we drove through McDonalds. We ate in the car.
Cohabitation has been fine so far. It hasn't been Valhalla, but neither has is been purgatory, and i was silently expecting the latter, so we're satisfied. Except when it comes to one thing. Before I go any further, this blog is completely confidential, right? Nobody else has the address, right? Or ever will, right? Right? Glad we could clear that up.
The sex is weird. I don't know what the deal is, but I am not satisfied, and I suspect neither is he. Two nights ago in bed, it was so awkward. I won't get specific, but there was an argument as a result, and I lay there in silent turmoil. No doubt you both think I say whatever stupid, bitchy thing comes into my head, but not so. I have my little secret resentments, things left on the editing room floor. They're usually not anything big--those things I deal with--just little scraps and leftovers, a chicken wing, some moo goo gai pan from last weekend, a half a cup of balsamic vinegar . . . it all goes into the casserole dish and bakes for a week on low. Two nights ago, the timer went off, and it was time to take it out of the oven.
I didn't want to say anything. I hate making Robert mad, because I want him to be happy, and he doesn't deal well with direct conversations about difficult or awkward topics. The casserole was bubbling, though. I had twenty different grievances brewing in there, and it had to come out, to wit:
"I'm sad, because I don't think you're satisfied sexually" (This was not as grown up as it sounds because, although these were the actual words, a pouty cutesy voice was used to take the edge off).
"It's OK PP. The great thing about us is that sex is not the most important thing. We have other things going for us"
"That sounds like something boring people say to make themselves feel better about having bad sex."
"Work in progress, PP. Work in progress."
At which, I let it go. So here I am, stuck at home alone for almost a week. So much is right about us, as he says. We laugh at the same things and people, we don't take shit too seriously, we still give each other the sparklefarts, even after two years. Et cetera. I already miss him.
2 comments:
This is rough. I don't even know where to begin. I love the metaphor. All I know is that my foot is now frozen for the third time in three hours, and I'm not sure if brain cells are even flowing at this point. The greatest part is that I could totally picture the conversation between you two (and the pouty voice that was used to hopefully put a band-aid on the awkward conversation starter). If I know anything about band-aids though, they're much better when ripped off...quickly. You two need to get to the damn point. There's ALWAYS one person who is much better at this than the other (i.e. Brandon), but "Honesty is the best policy." If sex is weird, and let's face it, life sucks when sex is weird, you need to get to the bottom of this. Why? Because you can. Someone (more specifically, some two) needs to change something, and not that I know anything about your personal sex life (and it's not a place I typically like to venture in my mind), there is one thing that each of you could do to make it better: more touching, less kissing, more talking, less forcing. You get the point. A good relationship is founded on communication, and being able to talk about sex falls into that category. Life's too short not to get to the heart of the matter...and life's definitely too short to not be having great sex with the person you love. The funny thing is that I feel like I totally have the experience to back up this advice...I'm not just saying it...I MEAN IT. You can't avoid conversations because you don't want to make Robert mad. Part of being in a relationship is satisying the other person: romantically, sexually, spiritually, emotionally. It should be important to him, even if it's only important to him because it's important to you. It's about validating that your emotions are important and warrant his attention. On another note though, thank God he said that you have something beyond sex to fall back on. I mean, really, isn't this what we want also? I was married to a man for sex (and sex alone)...and when I hated the person he was and became so repulsed by him that the thought of getting him naked made me throw up in my mouth...I had nothing. We had nothing. Sex is not everything, but it's important (and if it's only important to one, then it needs to be important to both...and if the other can't compromise, then the relationship will suffocate). Let's face it though...what do I know? I fail every relationship I've ever tried.
Okay, first, I'm glad this is just for us. Yay for that!
Second, I think that God is working in mysterious ways for me right now...here's why: we got the Oprah magazine the other night. Now, this naturally wouldn't be God speaking to me, but I read an article just about this subject, so I feel that I must enlighten you. I mean, face it; it's Oprah we're talking about. I haven't ever watched an episode that didn't make me cry. She's the bomb. Lol.
Anyway, it said that we should enjoy sex and that if we don't we need to figure out why. What about it is upsetting us and not allowing us to have that satisfied feeling. I think this is probably good advice, and I've personally been trying to follow it. Whenever I don't love the sex with Brandon, I try to figure out why I am not enjoying it. Usually it's because I feel something on my own and I'm not allowing myself to get into the swing of things and enjoy the connection that sex brings. So, here's what I say. Try to figure out what is wrong with the sex and what's making it not feel amazing to you. Try to correct that, if you can, and the sex will no longer be a problem. Again, I agree with Steph that the fact that you two have other things to rely on is good.
I hope this helps.
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