Tonight, just now, in fact, I just peeled myself off the bathroom floor...in tears. I admit, I'm pretty drunk, so please forgive any grammatical blunders as I contine with this post. I'm sure I'll cower in pain later when I read this, but I must get out my feelings somehow, and this seems to be the only way.
Anyway....
I peeled myself off the bathroom floor, while heaving with sorrow, for what I promise myself to be the last time, knowing that it won't be. Not for anything anyone has done, but for me. What in the hell is wrong with me? What makes me think that when things are going too good that I must cause a fight that causes no good? Why do I feel like I have to ha ve a good break down every month to be okay? A really good cry? I don't know why. I'm at odds ends. I think it may be for one of the following reasons.
1. I'm sabatoging my relationship. Anytime things are good, I force a fight, usually about nothing, or bottled up feeling about something. I pull out shit that really doesn't bother me as much as I say it does, or maybe it does, and I hide behind my lies. I don't know.
2. I am waiting for my fucking Disney movie ending. I grew up watching that shit where the princess gets everything she wants: a charming prince who loves her and would do anything to make her happy, a fucking happy ending. I'm not sure if those exist. I see people happy. Hell, 40 days out of 41 days, I'm happy, but this is the bad one. I'm not sure why. It's like I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, somedays; but I'm literally always waking up on the same side of the bed. Maybe that's a figurative statement...I digress. Anyway, Disney movies have made me think that there is the "happily ever after" ending that I'm not sure if it really exists. Does it? Can anyone answer that? If I were ever to get a masters, I think this is what I would study. How has the impact of "happily ever after" affected the lives of adult women. I'm waiting for my Prince Eric or Prince Aladdin, or whomever makes the princess (me) happy in all ways at all times. How unfair of me to place such a burdern on another person. I can't possibly imagine getting everything I want all the time, yet I do. I want that. I want MY fucking happily ever after.
3. I am waiting for it to be over...again. I'm afraid that we'll end it and having anger in my heart makes it easier. Maybe since my mother's divorce eleven years ago, I'm waiting to have my heart broken by yet another man. God knows, my father was the first man to break my heart. Maybe, I can't trust anyone since he devastated me so deeply. Maybe, despite loving Brandon, and I do love him, again, I fear losing him again, so I can't trust him. I know this is part of the problem. I can't trust him like I did six months ago. It makes me sick. I hate being this way, but I can't let it go. What does that mean? I hope not to end it.
I don't want to be alone. Maybe that sums up everything. All of my problems. Maybe, deep down, I know Brandon is not the man for me, but I'm too afraid of losing the two years I've put into this relationship to end it. Maybe not. I don't know.
Maybe, I'm just driving the bitter bus with some serious road rage. I'm pissed. My friend of 19 years is engaged to her boyfriend of 6 months. It pisses me off. I know I should be happy, and I am happy on some level, but I'm also fucking pissed and jealous. Why can't I be engaged? I graduated from high school seven years ago, and at almost 25 this is not where I saw my life. I mean, hell, I'll be 25 next Friday. I thought by now I'd be married and have maybe one kid. Not still "in a realationship." Fucking high school sweethearts should be banned. Maybe that is why I have all of my problems. By now, I thought I'd be married, not the last one to be married. Damn six year high school sweetheart.
My cousin weds in one month. I'm the maid of honor. It's like weddings surround me and I'm being bitch-slapped in the face...like..."na, na, ne, boo, boo....you're never going to get married."
I don't know. I'm just feeling some serious sorrow. Things between me and Brandon have been so good. Literally. We spend all of our time together and enjoy each other so much. I'm happy...he's happy. But, now, he's on a "boys weekend" trip to Cali that has made me freak out and be crazy. I'm crying. I'm a wreck. Train wreck, to be exact. I'm tired of this shit. Tired of this pain. Why can't I be normal and pull my shit together?
Maybe, I'm off balance, and crazy (literally) like my grandmother, who I love, but probably should be on medication. Shit. I don't want to live my life on Prozac, but maybe that is what it takes.
Damn....maybe one day, I'll write a book about this.
I love you both. The only two people in the world I can share this with. My mental break down of 2-3 July 2009.
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2 comments:
I love that we can do this again, or I hope we can. I really can't talk to anybody else about it either. You two mean a lot to me, so let's stay in better touch, kay?
Things are better for me, but I totally agree.
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