I feel very hurt and betrayed right now, in a way that I don't remember feeling before. I'm sure it's common to many gay men and women, but it feels like a new pain. My sister just called to see what time we were planning on having Christmas dinner, because--and she hesitated to tell me this, knowing that it is hurtful--she has been invited with the rest of the family to Grandpa's house to watch Swiss Family Robinson, a Payne family tradition.

At the time, I didn't feel angry, because it seemed just like another exclusion. I told her that I was flexible and would work around whatever they decided. That I would take the scraps of her time, in other words. At this moment, however, I can't get it out of my head, and cannot sleep because of it. Who am I most angry at? Not my Grandfather, I suppose. Although I am a bit angry at him, he has a religion-plated box around his head, and I expect nothing better. Am I angry at my brother and sister? For going to an event from which I am pointedly excluded? More so. What would be most hurtful to me is if my parents go. They've come so far in accepting me. Don't any of these people see that they are being party to bigotry?

In short, no more mister nice, understanding Brandon. Depending on how this event goes off, I plan on rubbing certain people's noses in their own complicity. If that means they don't wish to hang around me anymore, what am I missing out on? The company of bigots and/or weaklings?