The Sorrow

First, I must acknowledge my awful neglect of this blog. I loved reading about Brandon...maybe I should have done this sooner. Maybe it would have helped...

I moved home two months ago and my bags are still packed. I can't bring myself to put all of my clothes away at my mother's house, where I've moved back to at almost 26. I'm not sure why. I think, originally, I held out hope that Brandon would call me and I'd move back and we'd be happy. What a fool--he was already fucking the slut Sabrina. Now, 63 days later, I still can't do it. I don't know why. I don't know if it is because I feel like a failure. I feel like I gave everything up and became an adult and now I'm nothing. I lost everything I am and my job and my friends and family for him and now I've got nothing to show for it. I feel so lost. I feel so broken. I feel so numb.

I just read his email. I know, I'm morally corrupt at the moment. Don't judge. I saw that he wrote her an email 2 days after he broke up with me calling her "sweety" (which is spelt wrong, which reiterates why he's a dummy and I deserve better) and "beautiful". Fuck him. Then she responds, yesterday, that she is just afraid and doesn't want to be hurt like she is with her husband. Hello...they are the same man. Fucking idiots. They deserve to fucking destroy each other. That's what I hope for. A motorcycle crash and they both are injured...not dead or anything, but severe road rash. I know, that's super fucked up, but it's how I feel. I'm full of anger right now.

I'm not happy with some of my decisions of late. Drinking with the "wrong" people...partying...basically anything to numb the pain. I just keep making more and more poor choices. Everyone tells me I'm doing so much better, but I wonder if it is just an act to keep everyone from knowing how I truly feel. How truly sad I am. How truly fucked up I am.

I have these days where I'm happy. Where I want to move on and be happy. Then I have these meltdown moments. I just literally had to stop and cry non-stop for ten minutes before I could resume writing this. I fucking hate this! I hate my life right now. Once upon a time, I loved it, now I hate it! I hate that I hate it. Everyone says, "You control your life and your happiness." Funny how the people who say that are fucking happy and married.

I see happy couples everywhere and I want to attack them. I want to scream at the tv and punch people. Also, I'm having really, really aggressive dreams. Like beating Sabrina's head into a metal railing until her brains are mushing out. Yikes. What does that mean? I'm beating the shit out of Brandon, too, in my dreams. Fuck, I'm angry.

I just don't know anymore. I don't know anything. I just want to run away. I want to have sex. I want to be happy. I want my life to be better. I want the pain to go away. Yes, I just said sex...it's been too long. Fuck! Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck! I need a job. I need money. I need a life. I need so many more things. I fucking hate this. Why did I have to choose the worst man for me? I reflect back and shouldn't care. He took advantage of me whereever he could. He neglected me. He treated me like shit. But I do. I still love him. I want the love to go away, but it won't. I fucking hate that it won't. I hate that I care. I hate that my life has come to this. I know that one day I'll find the right man for me. I just wish that day was today and it would just work out. Ugh...fucking hate everything right now.

Okay, I am subbing in like 6 hours...sweet...no sleep again. I wish I would have bought those sleeping pills.