Sigh. Just when I thought I was getting Robert out of my system, nearly everything we did today reminded me of him. My friends out here are SOOO sick of hearing about it. It's become a running joke, even. "Hey Brandon, does this fork remind you of ROOOOOObert?" Gag. I even make me sick.

At least, however, there are things that might take my mind off it a little. I just got back from a surprisingly tolerable vacation with the entire family. When we were planning it, I forgot that it would include my birthday (happy birthday to me, BTW!), so I thought there might be a little tension around that when I realized it. As you might know, we were all Jehovah's Witnesses at one point, and some of them still are. Hence, birthday's are basically Satan parties. It got even more tense when my friends out here wanted to throw me a party (my first EVER, courtesy of the upbringing). I knew that could blow up if I wasn't careful.

But they were surprisingly cool. My Mom stayed in the hotel room during the party and rested, I showed my Brother and his wife a nice romantic restaurant they could spend the evening at, and my sister, of course, came with. The real surprise was my Dad. HE ACTUALLY CAME TO THE PARTY. This is unheard of. He said "Well, I'm not going to sing or anything, but I want to support you. I guess I'm an agnostic now, or something." That was a revelation. What's most ridiculous about it, of course, is that he says he's an agnostic, but he still doesn't want to celebrate birthdays. He showed up though, and sat there nicely.

So I guess I'm doing okay. I super MANIC right now, which is dangerous and I have to be careful, because I spend a lot of money and get super slutty when I'm manic. Speaking of slutty, Jervaise, it is to laugh. You're a slut because you've slept with 4ish guys? My number may be in the triple digits, depending on how you count. Yeesh! If you're a slut, what does that make me? You will both be pleased to know (if Steph looks here ever. Not sure.) that I am not slutty in Korea. I haven't had sex in months! Who would have thought that both of you would be getting more than me? And it's not for lack of opportunity either. This 19 year old was THROWING HIMSELF at me yesterday. I was embarrassed for him how badly he wanted me. Of course, I thought it was super creepy and politely declined.

To sum up:

me: still missing Robert, but the memories have less emotional charge now. It's more like, "Oh, remember him?" only twenty times today.

Jervaise: not a slut

Stephanie: who knows?

Holy fuck...it's June

Brandon, first I must apoliogize for ignoring this blog and you. I don't think I've been on my computer since.

First, I must warn, I'm like 10 glasses of wine into this tonight...so don't judge me, or my spelling errors. I refuse to double check this bitch. I'm just venting. Here it goes....

I've been home for 3 1/2 months. Why the fuck don't I feel better? Why do I keep thinking back on my crazy moments of the last 3 1/2 months with regret. Yes, I've fucked men I'm not proud of. Why can't I deal with this? Yes, I've done a little sexting...what the fuck is wrong with me? Am I trying too hard to get back at Brandon? Am I pushing too hard to not be the woman he said I was? I'm not sure. I am DEFINITELY NOT the girl who allows men to have sex with her, yet I've done it twice, and would have three times if a condom was involved. What does this mean? Am I completely out of control. I've almost doubled my number of sexual partners in less than three months. God, am I a slut? What the fuck? (Yes, I realize my number is extremely low and I could feel more like a slut, but I don't.) Granted, I don't even count one, as how can you count a man if you make him pull out after less than 30 seconds. I don't. So, okay, .I'm at 4...well, techincally 4.5 if you want to count that guy...which I don't.

I hate that I've become this person I don't know. I drink all the time. I need sleeping pills to sleep. I dream of him nightly, and they vary from crazy, violent dreams to the average forgiving dreams. Ugh....why the fuck?!

This past weekend was hard. Any holiday that honors veterans is for me now. However, this one was worse. I kept thinking of the world we were supposed to start this June, by buying a house and living happily ever after...

I suppose all of my anger boils to this: I am pissed I don't have the "happily ever after" I was promised at some point. Yes, I realize one day I''ll be thankful and find the "true" love of my life, and be happy. But really, is that the case? I often wonder this. Brandon has beaten me to this point where I no longer feel like I deserve anything...least alone unconditional love. Fuck. This is shit.

Regardless, I want love and happiness...and unconditional devioti0n. Is that even real? I hate that I'm here. That I truly HATE another person. That I am becoming who I never thought I would...but I don't think there's an other option.

The plain, simple truth: Brandon Fraser fucked me over, mentally, physically, and every way possible. I'm fucked up. I can't cope. I can't be better. :( One day, I'll survive. Oh how I wish that was now...oh well...onto online dating...