Holy fuck...it's June

Brandon, first I must apoliogize for ignoring this blog and you. I don't think I've been on my computer since.

First, I must warn, I'm like 10 glasses of wine into this tonight...so don't judge me, or my spelling errors. I refuse to double check this bitch. I'm just venting. Here it goes....

I've been home for 3 1/2 months. Why the fuck don't I feel better? Why do I keep thinking back on my crazy moments of the last 3 1/2 months with regret. Yes, I've fucked men I'm not proud of. Why can't I deal with this? Yes, I've done a little sexting...what the fuck is wrong with me? Am I trying too hard to get back at Brandon? Am I pushing too hard to not be the woman he said I was? I'm not sure. I am DEFINITELY NOT the girl who allows men to have sex with her, yet I've done it twice, and would have three times if a condom was involved. What does this mean? Am I completely out of control. I've almost doubled my number of sexual partners in less than three months. God, am I a slut? What the fuck? (Yes, I realize my number is extremely low and I could feel more like a slut, but I don't.) Granted, I don't even count one, as how can you count a man if you make him pull out after less than 30 seconds. I don't. So, okay, .I'm at 4...well, techincally 4.5 if you want to count that guy...which I don't.

I hate that I've become this person I don't know. I drink all the time. I need sleeping pills to sleep. I dream of him nightly, and they vary from crazy, violent dreams to the average forgiving dreams. Ugh....why the fuck?!

This past weekend was hard. Any holiday that honors veterans is for me now. However, this one was worse. I kept thinking of the world we were supposed to start this June, by buying a house and living happily ever after...

I suppose all of my anger boils to this: I am pissed I don't have the "happily ever after" I was promised at some point. Yes, I realize one day I''ll be thankful and find the "true" love of my life, and be happy. But really, is that the case? I often wonder this. Brandon has beaten me to this point where I no longer feel like I deserve anything...least alone unconditional love. Fuck. This is shit.

Regardless, I want love and happiness...and unconditional devioti0n. Is that even real? I hate that I'm here. That I truly HATE another person. That I am becoming who I never thought I would...but I don't think there's an other option.

The plain, simple truth: Brandon Fraser fucked me over, mentally, physically, and every way possible. I'm fucked up. I can't cope. I can't be better. :( One day, I'll survive. Oh how I wish that was now...oh well...onto online dating...