How to Teach Little Shits

I'm going to write a teaching book, and this is going to be the title. Here's something that might be in the introduction:

I hate teaching movies. I have hated them ever since I became a teacher. To the civilian, the are no doubt inspirational, moving, blah blah, but I have always walked away from them feeling insulted. The formula is well known: an idealistic teacher is entrusted with a class of difficult students, students on whom others have given up. Bonus points if the kids are disadvantaged.

Through her or his optimism, determination and creativity, the teacher finds a way to relate to the students, and they accept her or him as their mentor. The establishment tries to get the teacher to conform, but she or he prevails and everybody gets diplomas and motivational speaking engagements at the end.

Cinematically, it's a fine formula. These movies give me a feeling similar to those billboards that have a picture of Gandhi or King or somebody and a tagline along the lines of "Determination: pass it on." I'm sure the buyers of those billboards mean well, but they may as well read "Why aren't you this good?" In the same way, the hidden message of teaching movies, even and especially those based on true stories, is "See? It's not so hard. Even this first year teachers can deal with little shits and change their lives. Why can't you do that?"

So I have avoided those movies since I started teaching. You see, I teach little shits. I say this in the most endearing way, but let's be frank; when a kid tells you to go fuck yourself in the middle of class while you are being evaluated by your principal, that kid is, indeed, a little shit. When a kid tells you she or he didn't do her or his work because they were too busy getting high, "little shit" is the perfect term. This is the kid I have taught for my entire career, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It is for others to decided how little shits got that way. Each example is unique, and may well have a terrible back story that would make your hair stand up. Such is not the province of this book. Instead, I hope to offer you some things that have worked in my experience. Don't get me wrong; I am not Teacher Movie material. Those teachers don't exist, even the ones upon whose lives those movies are based. A veteran teacher told me early in my career, "A good teacher uses brief and rare moments of teaching bliss to get through frequent and crushing defeats." The problem with teaching movies is that they cram ten years worth of teaching bliss--those glorious moments when a kid is at a crossroads and you manage to give her or him a little nudge in the right direction--into a couple of hours, when they are really rather rare. Nonetheless, I am an observant fellow, and I have noticed that a few little things that can get a seemingly intractable kid to let her or his guard down just enough to learn something.

It's a shame that teaching movies are such bullshit. The reality of it is that none of us reach every kid, or even most, and every time that you can't tears you up. This book can't change that, but maybe some of my suggestions can tip the odds a little bit. If you manage to tip even one kid onto the right path in your career, you deserve a movie and a billboard, and the experience will be such pure, overflowing light that you won't even care that you don't get either one.

Brandon Payne