The funk of late...

Well, Brandon, if you have three boyfriends...I guess I'm not as overwhelmed as you, but this will be about three boys...ha!

Lately, I feel like I'm in a complete funk. I can't describe it. I can't make anyone understand. I feel utterly and completely unhappy most of the time. This cannot be a healthy feeling, but it is how I feel. I feel upset with me. Personally. Mentally. Physically. I'm not happy.

I suppose most of these feeling relate to the past week, or so. The first week after sex with the guy from work, all was normal. Nothing had changed. However, last week he got all weird. I can't handle weird. It makes me crazy. I do not understand when things get weird, when they shouldn't. Whatever. Then, this week, he's all normal. It's too odd...and frustrates me.

Then, last Thursday, I started thinking about Andy. Andy was the guy I dated with the daughter when Brandon and I broke up the first time in the spring of '08. My friends and I were talking about life and he came up. I guess he had it bad for me...and I genuinely really like him, but my stupid feeling for the asshole were too strong and I left him. I guess he was crazy about me. Now, I can't help but wonder if I made the wrong choice. I know all of life leads us on the path we are supposed to take. I'm a firm believer in that; however, I think I made the wrong choice with Andy. He's back with his ex now, or at least they had just broke up when we dated. Ugh. Why do I make the most ridiculous choices? Why do I always want what I can't have?

Lastly, Vinny confuses me. I like him. He's a good guy. He's the guy I should choose. So why can't I? I think there is something keeping me from picking him. I like him and want to be with him, but in the end, I struggle with him. Last weekend, I had heartburn when I was with him. It was intense. It's like my body is telling me something I can't deal with. But, I still like being with him and being his friend. Maybe because he's the only "steady" guy right now. I don't know. I do know I fear being unfair with him. I don't want to do that, but sometimes I wonder if I am or not.

Also, last weekend, I made a choice to do something I've always wanted to try, but never have. I fear writing on here about this until this is private. However, when that goes down...you're in for a treat. :)

Maybe my problem is I'm not happy with me. So, I look to others to make me happy. I know that others cannot make me happy; at least I know this on some fundamental level. Maybe I feel like the only way I have worth is if I am with someone. I don't know--have you noticed that phrase is my trend of this post? I'm truthfully seriously considering a therapist and getting on medicine for depression. I think it would help. The last time I took that stuff though, I was 18 and felt like a zombie. I don't want that again, but I think it's more formulated for adults. I hate the thought of depending on something like that for my happiness, but, lately, I wonder if that is the only way. Maybe I'm working too much. Maybe I need to exercise more and eat healthier. I don't know.

All I know for certain is ugh...bleh...life...

Well, I might as well post here. If anybody reads this, I wouldn't mind some feedback. I may just be a bit out of control right now. I think I have three boyfriends. I smoke now . . . like a chimney. I've lost forty pounds. I'm really happy, but all of these things seem to indicate that I shouldn't be . . . am I in a tailspin?

Of the thirty or so gay men I've had contact with in Korea, it might be revealing to take a look at the statistics.

Men I've actually met in person: 13
Men I've had some sort of sexual contact with: 7
Men I've had some sort of satisfying sexual contact with: 2
Men I've had sexual contact with more than once: 1
Totally into me, but not attractive for one reason or another: 2
I'm totally into them, but not attracted to me for one reason or another: 2
Mutually unattracted: 2
Language barrier makes it impossible to tell who is attracted to whom: 1
Men I've had to travel to another city to meet: 11
Number of other cities in Korea I've traveled to just to meet a man: 4
Men who have traveled to my city to meet me: 1
Some kind of spark, but not worth the travel: 3
"Oh, did I forget to mention that I have a boyfriend already?": 5
"Oh, I have a boyfriend, but let's fuck anyway": 3
Super sweet, and kind of attractive, so still a contender: 1
Dates set up for this week: 2 (not counting today's--see "boyfriend", above)

Not terrible odds, I guess. Still, a pretty inefficient market. Currently a bit discouraged. If these guys later this week don't pan out, I'll lay off for a while--but I always say that . . .

Fuck, I'm ridiculous....

Sometimes, I wonder if I've lost my moral compass. Lately, I find myself doing things I never thought I'd do...but here I am...doing them and not giving a damn. I wonder what that means? Have I lost my moral compass after all? I hope not.

Eight months ago, life was so black and white for me. Right and wrong. I did what was "right" all the time, and look where that got me? A whole lotta nowhere. Now, I'm tired of that bullshit. I live in a world of grey now. I love it here. However, I do sometimes wonder if the choices I am making are bad...and if they have been since I moved home.

Vinny is still crazy about me. I'm still the bitch that won't be his girlfriend. Hey, I gave him fair warning. I only hope he doesn't fall in love with me. I can't handle that shit right now. I keep telling him that I just don't want a boyfriend right now, which is completely true. I'm not in a place where I can be in a relationship. I just don't want it. I don't just want sex either, but I want something in between, but I can't figure out for the life of me what that is. I feel bad for the kid, and kid he is, at 22. I feel like in the long run, do I really want someone that much younger than me? I don't know. It's a dilemma I frequently face.

Now, there's a new boy in the mix. Or rather, he's been in the mix for some time. I suppose I've always harbored a crush on him, but we work together, and he made his thoughts about a workplace romance clear: it never goes well. I agree with this sentiment, although, I've never actually dated a colleague before. Fast-forward three months. We hang out frequently; everyone at work thinks we are dating, to which I am constantly stating we are not. Sure, he sends me the mixed messages, but all of those were made astonishingly clear on Friday night. Clearly, he likes me...or he just wanted sex. I'm going with likes me, because it makes me feel less slutty, which is important right now to me. I fear what seeing him at work now will be like. Will it be awkward? I hope not. I assume it will be much of the same for us, or I hope so. We've both talked at length about what we want from a "relationship" and that is really not a relationship. We both just want someone to have sex with, someone to cuddle with occasionally, but not have to answer to. Before it went down, I did ask him to think about if that was what he wanted, referring to his statement on workplace romance. His response, "well, we really don't work together anymore, and everyone already thinks we're fucking." Both of these are true and logical, so I went ahead with it. Oddly enough, I don't feel guilty. I should feel supremely slutty, but I don't. It's weird. As I left the next morning, he kissed me, on the cheek, and probably would've on the lips, but I hugged him instead. I don't know how not to be awkward afterwards; I'm ridiculous like that. He's texted me a few times this weekend, which is more than normal, so I guess that bodes well. We shall see....I hope not to lose him though, as I think he's closer to someone I'd want to be with than anyone has in a long time.

Meanwhile, I work all the time. Tomorrow, in fact, which bums me out. I'm needing to start working out...I need to find that motivation. If I could wake up at 5:30 am three times a week and go for a run, I think I'd feel better about myself. If I'm going to start this tomorrow, I should head to bed.