Fuck, I'm ridiculous....

Sometimes, I wonder if I've lost my moral compass. Lately, I find myself doing things I never thought I'd do...but here I am...doing them and not giving a damn. I wonder what that means? Have I lost my moral compass after all? I hope not.

Eight months ago, life was so black and white for me. Right and wrong. I did what was "right" all the time, and look where that got me? A whole lotta nowhere. Now, I'm tired of that bullshit. I live in a world of grey now. I love it here. However, I do sometimes wonder if the choices I am making are bad...and if they have been since I moved home.

Vinny is still crazy about me. I'm still the bitch that won't be his girlfriend. Hey, I gave him fair warning. I only hope he doesn't fall in love with me. I can't handle that shit right now. I keep telling him that I just don't want a boyfriend right now, which is completely true. I'm not in a place where I can be in a relationship. I just don't want it. I don't just want sex either, but I want something in between, but I can't figure out for the life of me what that is. I feel bad for the kid, and kid he is, at 22. I feel like in the long run, do I really want someone that much younger than me? I don't know. It's a dilemma I frequently face.

Now, there's a new boy in the mix. Or rather, he's been in the mix for some time. I suppose I've always harbored a crush on him, but we work together, and he made his thoughts about a workplace romance clear: it never goes well. I agree with this sentiment, although, I've never actually dated a colleague before. Fast-forward three months. We hang out frequently; everyone at work thinks we are dating, to which I am constantly stating we are not. Sure, he sends me the mixed messages, but all of those were made astonishingly clear on Friday night. Clearly, he likes me...or he just wanted sex. I'm going with likes me, because it makes me feel less slutty, which is important right now to me. I fear what seeing him at work now will be like. Will it be awkward? I hope not. I assume it will be much of the same for us, or I hope so. We've both talked at length about what we want from a "relationship" and that is really not a relationship. We both just want someone to have sex with, someone to cuddle with occasionally, but not have to answer to. Before it went down, I did ask him to think about if that was what he wanted, referring to his statement on workplace romance. His response, "well, we really don't work together anymore, and everyone already thinks we're fucking." Both of these are true and logical, so I went ahead with it. Oddly enough, I don't feel guilty. I should feel supremely slutty, but I don't. It's weird. As I left the next morning, he kissed me, on the cheek, and probably would've on the lips, but I hugged him instead. I don't know how not to be awkward afterwards; I'm ridiculous like that. He's texted me a few times this weekend, which is more than normal, so I guess that bodes well. We shall see....I hope not to lose him though, as I think he's closer to someone I'd want to be with than anyone has in a long time.

Meanwhile, I work all the time. Tomorrow, in fact, which bums me out. I'm needing to start working out...I need to find that motivation. If I could wake up at 5:30 am three times a week and go for a run, I think I'd feel better about myself. If I'm going to start this tomorrow, I should head to bed.