The funk of late...

Well, Brandon, if you have three boyfriends...I guess I'm not as overwhelmed as you, but this will be about three boys...ha!

Lately, I feel like I'm in a complete funk. I can't describe it. I can't make anyone understand. I feel utterly and completely unhappy most of the time. This cannot be a healthy feeling, but it is how I feel. I feel upset with me. Personally. Mentally. Physically. I'm not happy.

I suppose most of these feeling relate to the past week, or so. The first week after sex with the guy from work, all was normal. Nothing had changed. However, last week he got all weird. I can't handle weird. It makes me crazy. I do not understand when things get weird, when they shouldn't. Whatever. Then, this week, he's all normal. It's too odd...and frustrates me.

Then, last Thursday, I started thinking about Andy. Andy was the guy I dated with the daughter when Brandon and I broke up the first time in the spring of '08. My friends and I were talking about life and he came up. I guess he had it bad for me...and I genuinely really like him, but my stupid feeling for the asshole were too strong and I left him. I guess he was crazy about me. Now, I can't help but wonder if I made the wrong choice. I know all of life leads us on the path we are supposed to take. I'm a firm believer in that; however, I think I made the wrong choice with Andy. He's back with his ex now, or at least they had just broke up when we dated. Ugh. Why do I make the most ridiculous choices? Why do I always want what I can't have?

Lastly, Vinny confuses me. I like him. He's a good guy. He's the guy I should choose. So why can't I? I think there is something keeping me from picking him. I like him and want to be with him, but in the end, I struggle with him. Last weekend, I had heartburn when I was with him. It was intense. It's like my body is telling me something I can't deal with. But, I still like being with him and being his friend. Maybe because he's the only "steady" guy right now. I don't know. I do know I fear being unfair with him. I don't want to do that, but sometimes I wonder if I am or not.

Also, last weekend, I made a choice to do something I've always wanted to try, but never have. I fear writing on here about this until this is private. However, when that goes down...you're in for a treat. :)

Maybe my problem is I'm not happy with me. So, I look to others to make me happy. I know that others cannot make me happy; at least I know this on some fundamental level. Maybe I feel like the only way I have worth is if I am with someone. I don't know--have you noticed that phrase is my trend of this post? I'm truthfully seriously considering a therapist and getting on medicine for depression. I think it would help. The last time I took that stuff though, I was 18 and felt like a zombie. I don't want that again, but I think it's more formulated for adults. I hate the thought of depending on something like that for my happiness, but, lately, I wonder if that is the only way. Maybe I'm working too much. Maybe I need to exercise more and eat healthier. I don't know.

All I know for certain is ugh...bleh...life...